A little taste of hypocrisy

2010-05-28T03:41:00.000-07:00

Guess it really time for me to move on already. All this hope that I'm hanging on really ain't helping. It just bring more and more devastating memories and mood to my mind. Right now I'm looking at your pictures and wonder what if that is me? won't it be better? Guess that's my childish side. Hoping on you coming back to me is futile, pointless and it won't come true.

You on the pictures look so happy man, your smile look so real and it's coming out from your heart. I know from the start my concern and linger by your side is on my own wish. Call me stupid man but you're the only girl i think i will go very long in the future. Almost every time, you will remind me that what if one day i break up with you, will i still look for you? Questions like "If one day, i finally get permission to stay overnight, could we go camping at ecp?" I always answer yes. And i really wish for that to happen. Words of that time, really doesn't mean anything from what i can see. It's just words of assurance and stupidly in love.

I'm really putting down this. Finally, I'm convincing myself to believe that. In this world, second chances maybe everywhere but in this case, a U-turn sign isn't anywhere in this case. I think today event is telling me to put down for sure, move on and don't feel guilty about meeting new girls already. Events like LZX called me, Me asking about her, Me going temple to pray for her and Her very long post in facebook with pictures.

I swear to god, no more am i going to take priority of her any more in my life. My heart, will once break away from you....

2010-04-26T04:14:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wonder why can't i forget you. Almost everyday, you'll appear in my mind whether i'm awake or sleeping. And almost everytime, i have the urge of sending you an sms saying "Woman, you really don't want me le ar?" Sounds familiar? You'll receive that sms almost everytime we got into an argument. I really wish that's a tool to turn back time and maybe finding out the way to make you stay by my side.

I'm feeling damn empty now. A weekend at home and a wild chase of thoughts.... When will you come back to me? Never i think? If there were a chance in the future and you won't obligate, i just wanna hold you so tight and stop time from moving. I still love you...

2010-01-16T23:09:00.001-08:00

Doesn't know whether my dream last night was good or bad but it was enough to make me miss you even more. It's been one year five days since you left me, damn it was really enough for me and sometime i would just think whether to just find you and look at you to stop all those thoughts of missing you.

Anyway, my dream was when i was going home, i saw my room light on and thinking who would be using my room. I reached home and my mum was looking at me, there my door was closed. I thought it was my brother and knock on it just like i always do to tell them i need my room back. No one answer the door and saw my brother in my sister room playing game. He stared at me too, their stares was like signaling somethings to me and i open my room door. There you was playing my computer and enjoying the air con like you always do. The first two words that came out of your mouth was, bang bang. The next moment i found myself crying and something was knifing me heart. I went over and hug you, hug you like i never hug before. I told you, woman don't leave me ever again ok? you know it was almost hell for that one year without you. I love you Valerie Loy.....

Sadly, it's a dream and it will never never happen because dreams are always opposite that's what i think. Gladly, you felt so real as i'm hugging you.....

2010-01-12T02:09:00.000-08:00

I really can't get over this two days. Today I'm suppose to feel damn freaking wanted and my life full of joy, that have been for the pass 3 years but this year it's totally opposite. It was our anniversary remember? If we didn't break up, this would be our 4th year, some may think, no big deal, mine is 4,5,6,7 years. It's doesn't matter about the duration but more on how much heart you put in this relationship. I put my 100% and i don't regret it. You no longer accompany passing my days of life, me dwelling in the memories we had together. Took a long walk along ECP, thoughts that ain't what i want really keep coming in my mind. Avoiding everything for that day made me somehow made my emotion more stable, at least i don't need to show other people how childish am i in this area of life.

My wall paper is your picture which I "stole" from your facebook. How ironic was i to delete your facebook, to show how strong and determine i want you out of my life but the truth is, i really can't live without you. I can smile, laugh, giggle and LOL all i want but in the middle of the night, i just need a hug, a simple hug from you. My family ask me why am i so moody this week, i really can't give them a proper answer and just tell them, I'm tired.

I really want to sent a bouquet of flowers to your house but so many objection from the friends around me, i wrote on my calender since the day we broke up and keep reminding myself that i no matter what will do it but belinde told me, you will make things worst for her, creating a commotion between her current boyfriend and her. If you really love her, let her go. How many times in shows, movies and in life you hear this but the thing is not accepting the sentence but to swallow that gush of unwilling down your throat. I really want you to be happy, not because i forget the date, i really want to sent you that bouquet of flowers.

Many times i heard words of encourage from people around me, saying if you want her back, perform better in everything, like your studies, get a good job, earn more than that guy and make yourself more handsome. This to me are words of encouragement because of this phrase "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

I don't think you want to come back to me already because a new phase of your life is starting....I love you Valerie Loy...i really do...

2009-12-24T19:42:00.000-08:00

Happy 46th birthday to my mum. Time is really passing very fast and happiness will not leave us forever. Going to have a very good fulfilling lunch with my family! hopefully the crowd won't leave us hanging outside the waiting list too long! I love my family very very much and of course my friends. (Those that I'm very close to. I don't want to start pointing fingers~)

Merry Christmas guys, hope you all have a accomplish 2009 and start 2010 with a big blast!

Belinde! My daring sister, my caring girlfriend(you should know why) and my sudden wife(You should know why too), damn a lot have happened in the three days we met. It's funny that every time we met, something bound to happen and it's really very out of the world. Can't understand why but we always get a good laugh out of it.

Day 1,

Was supposed to meet her in town at the new mall 313 somerset. She got lost and don't know where she was. Haha, embarrassing but it's okie! Actually she was just in the mall beside 313, Ochard Central. Not saying she a country bumpkin or what but the clue she gave me where she was was funny, this is the conversation: "Brother, i think i missed the stop already. Now i think I'm at ION, got a lot of light flashing de. Wait ar i go see got any building sign or road sign. Ya I'm opposite this building call Centrepoint."

In my mind, I'm thinking, which building in orchard don't have a lot of light cling to it! hahahah and isn't centrepoint just opposite orchard central? so meaning she's near me la. So i told her to wait in a shop and i'll go find her. Saw her and this was her first words to me. "Brother, you became fatter already lehz!" Imagine how i felt at that time.

OH MY GOD. I really must slim down already if now, i really gonna be so depress when everyone start saying the same thing to me. When we are deciding where to eat, we were walking to orchard central from 313 and one guy saw us walking to his direction and suddenly, he siam like he see gangster. We were furiously laughing to orchard central.

Next activity was singing with Mr CZH. We were on the bus to parkway to settle some stuff, while on the journey to there, we saw a couple, from the moment we board the bus, the couple is busying concentrating on their phone rather than talking to each other. Sister suspect they won't girlfriendboyfriend but i saw them holding hand while boarding the bus. After sister settle her business there, we took a cab to pick Mr CZH and to downtown for our singing session!

Got in the room and the monitor just won't on, a male staff came in and start hammering the monitor so hardly that the drawer's door came off. You can't imagine how amusing was that at that time! Ok, it went as per normal where i would start the first song and how it always goes, Mr CZH always need to pee and while walking out, he always refuse to close the door and sister went to close for him. The next thing we know was the waitress who wanna come in the room can't come in cause the door was spoil. At first they thought we locked the door from inside but when we tried to open, it just wouldn't budge. Hahah, laughter filled the air man, this is my first time getting locked inside. Mr CZH came back and start shouting that i purposely make the door faulty and he even tried to bang the door. The next moment, our corridor was filled with managers and staffs. Ok, the door was settled and made us move to another room.

I sent sister home and decided to buy a drink from 7-11 (The never close mama tiam) but we reach the 7-11 near her house and it was CLOSED. Laughing our way back and this is how the day ended.

2nd day,

Sister decide to get something from suntec and the place was FILLED WITH FTs! wah lau can't imagine next time singapore gonna get invaded by them man. While looking for the camera, we stop at a Canon booth. There was one china man standing beside us, we were asking about one camera and after we ask, the china man would start intercepting our conversation not once not twice but a lot of time. At that point, we lost our interest and went out.

Stop by a flea market just below the convention hall, we stopped outside a stall selling makeup brushes and just next to the it was a booth selling face mask. She was talking to them and not to hinder her, i went to look at the mask, looking very shiok, one female promoter came forward and tried to promote me a mud mask to me, she told me I could use it for one year....blah blah blah and one sentence from her gave me a shock. She told me i could use it with my wife at night and she point to sister. Not to embarrass her i let her continue and let her assume it that way, after listening to her i really was tempted to buy. The next moment, sister bought finish her thing and she walk towards me, the promoter suddenly said, you and your wife could really spend time talking while putting on the mask. I grab sister's hand and told them i could use some time to think about it. Walking away very quickly because i can't control my laughter anymore.

The next thing was movie, we decide to watch AVATAR in 3D, not a bad movie but in the cinema, i saw one situation where a guy got so pissed off by the person beside him that during the movie, he actually said this to the guy. "Eh, are you all done? It's been twenty minutes since the show started and you all are still talking. Why? you all wanna pay for my movie izzit? huh? continue talking la." The funniest thing is, the person beside him don't know how to react and just ignore this guy. The next situation was the person beside me actually was eating jackfruit which tempt our hunger from fruits. hahaha. Just before the movie, we were ordering oyster mee sua and a pork floss roll from the shi ling stall. The guy making chicken chop keep asking us want to put chilli and pepper on the chicken chop a not but we didn't order chicken chop. This question repeat to us for like 3 times and one guy took the receipt from us and then awhile more, the guy come asking for the receipt again. Damn it was unusual man. The day ended with sister settling her business in parkway.

3rd day.

Met sister after my army cause she need to clear something from my house which she good heartedly initial to help me. When shopping in NTUC and Sheng Siong, damn it was crowded. Hahaha, I brought her home and we were watching TV and cleared my stuff. Then my mum came back. I introduce her as my girlfriend but my mama wouldn't believe! oh my god, I tried to convince her but she still don't believe. Mr CZH also don't believe when i tell him. Damn, one day if she really become my gf, i will see what you all will say. (Ok, that's a joke.) Send her home after she watch finish her show in my house! This is how it end!

Yeah! today, we gonna have GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Can't wait for it to happen! Don't know what TBW will buy what for KCW, Will CZH be happy with the present KCW giving him? What will CFY give CBY and TBW surely will not be happy with the gift from CZH.

2009-12-11T03:39:00.000-08:00

我高高的但是瘦瘦的
腰细细的脸小小的
遇见你了是我喜欢的人
不知道你会不会讨厌我没有什么
我把手臂练粗了
只为了让你好躺一些
我把真心练壮了
只为了背着你奔跑不会累
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
只是一个渺小的男生
不知道你是否能看见
我爱你的那一面
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
一直等待你的人
如果我不是你选择
没关系我只是个SOSO的男生
我高高的但是瘦瘦的
腰细细的脸小小的
一直以来我最喜欢的人
不知道你会不会讨厌我没有什么
我把手臂练粗了
只为了让你好躺一些
我把真心练壮了
只为了背着你奔跑不会累
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
只是一个渺小的男生
不知道你是否能看见
我爱你的那一面
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
一直等待你的人
如果我不是你选择没关系
我只是个SOSO的男生
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
只是一个渺小的男生
不知道你是否能看见
我爱你的那一面
我是一个瘦瘦的男生
一直等待你的人
如果你选择了我
因为你我不是个SOSO的男生

2009-11-16T20:04:00.000-08:00

Hospital. A place where life is created and death is released. A place with mixture of happiness and sorrow. The stay over there really let me see some fact about life, a cruel fact. Lonely old soul, lying on the bed alone while watching other patient family gather around the bed, smiling and laughing. And what he got is only his lunch and a cup of tea. After finishing his meal, he simply walked away, strolling in the internal area of the ward. Imagine, next time when you're old, even if it's Sunday (Family Day) no one actually visit you and while dwelling in the happiness of others, you sense a sharp pain in your heart and asking yourself, where is my family? A simple yet unanswerable question.

The day came where he can discharge from the hospital, he was told 2 hours earlier than me. Straight away, he went to change and told the nurse to call his wife and son to fetch him. He waited and waited, from the looks from his eye, you can see his agony that he want to go home asap. Waited far too long, he told the nurse to inform his family member again but the nurse told him this time his family member didn't pick up the phone. So to console him, she told him they might be on the way now. I don't know what happen because when i left the place, he was still there. Waiting for his family to appear in front of him. Imagine you are him, the waiting time is killing you and you actually see another person discharging before you but you waiting far longer than him. That must be very sourish.

Another patient beside me was a old uncle, he was a pawn shop worker or boss, didn't ask in detail. He was sick, he had problem passing motion. What the doctor did was open a opening in his large intestine, so the waste will all pass out through there. Shitified ain't it? but that's not the end to it, because the bag was use to collect the shit, but it cannot be very tight as it will be very uncomfortable and you need to change it (Once it's full). Once there was a nurse accidentally bump him with his motion bag along and the waste leak all over the bed. Imagine, from now onwards, this is a barrel, whatever you do, you can't live without it. Inaccessible to many things.

Imagine, you can't speak and the only thing you can move in your whole body is your hand. Opening your eye you realize that you are in the hospital. The pain and suffering, no one will know because you can't speak and tell them what actually are you feeling. Family and friends, they brought a lot of things like a radio to play christian music, a heat dissolver fan and come to massage you, try to talk to you. But you just couldn't tell them how thankful you are to them. When you're in pain, you show it in your face but you just couldn't do anything to stop them.

In the world, the worst thing is that you lost any one of your five senses or the ability of movement. Can't imagine what time will bring for us in the near future. The point that i want to make it just to stick close to your love ones and no point bearing any hatred for each other because why fill your heart with such difficulty, you will only bring a trouble mind around. Loosen up a little and step backward one step you will see things in a bigger bigger picture.

OK! Wanna said something, the NURSES in CGH is good man i tell you, especially the Staff nurse, one is totally my pattern, near la but she's not very pretty to a lot of people i think. I'm satisfied with this kinda partner! Those ITE apprentices was also not bad but too bad they isn't my type.

I miss you whenever i go there. A lot of memories with you happen to be at there. Sometimes, i would just wonder when can i put you down. Guess that's an answer i'm still yet to find....

2009-10-09T13:16:00.000-07:00

My friend asked me today. "Hey dude, have you gotten over her?" I stopped for a second and followed by an unsure tone of " Yeah babe, why won't i?" I got so fuck that moment after, that i didn't know what to talk about what to think or what to said. I just kept drinking and drinking and drinking. Obviously from my action they will see my answer isn't the truth.

Later part, the friend who asked me the question invite me to go toilet and smoking break with him, hence i went with him. He told me, "I won't ask whether your answer back then is true or false but here's my piece of advice, life have to move on, if she had move, why can't you. Go out more, accompany your friends, family more. Like that you will forget her faster." In my mind, I'm thinking in your sentence, which part didn't i tried before, which part i didn't listen before. I used 9 months, 9 long months to forget everything, i tried everything but my mind still seems stuck at that point.

I thought i can feel some warmness from you guys but it seems like I'm too emotionally filled by that question, i didn't know what to tell you all about. I went for a walk with the blueberry bottle in my hand, thinking about all the times we are together.

I'm actually tired of lying, tired of acting out something that i don't want to. You will said, ya if you don't want to act, no one will force you. But some situation dis allow you from doing that....

2009-10-04T02:37:00.000-07:00

偶尔很开心偶尔却下雨
偶尔有梦境偶尔很想你

2009-10-03T06:30:00.000-07:00

I really don't understand what happening this few weeks, this dream occurring like every night. You are in it, like always. Becoming like a story which always wake me up in the middle of the night. I became very emotionally sad whenever at night, so i made myself a promise to try and remain home at night so i won't cause a nusiance. But there are times when it's not my call, so i will ensure that they are busy with something before i go off to my own world.

I really miss her too much, that's why even in my sleep, i still think of her. She felt so close to me, so incredibly true even in my dream. Even those feel of her breath and her hand, damn freaking realistic. It wonder to me how long more must i endure to really forget her. And followed by that, i will have a lot of people telling me, go embark yourself into a new relationship or never mind, time will wash away everything. I guess that's what they call words of comfort.

My work place! another awfully stupid story. Why are you so stupid to create an impression to people that you can't concentrate on your job and do you really understand what's your job scope? There are reasons why people don't work that way, it's not because they are lazy. It's more like they know when they want to implement something, there are a lot of work to do and some unnecessary trouble will be created, especially you do in a time when we are having a lot of works. The worst thing is, you do things halfheartedly. This thing haven't settle, you want to do a new thing and don't want to solve the problems right in front of you. No wonder you are still in this state and position....please save yourself and get a brain if you want to stay in this line....

Yesterday was a sad night, i heard from them that Taiwan, will be a rainy season in January and that's the month i planned the whole trip on! What a waste man, i totally planned it perfectly already and now we gotta change our destination! What to do, things don't go our way we just have to follow the flow to ensure it will run smoothly! That's is call adaptive! Anyway, if the place changed to Thailand, we got more money to spend, more money to save! Just hope it will make everyone happy and really get their load off some other their mind!

Everyone seeking for their rightful place in this world, don't give up on yourself just because of a little setback. Things won't always go your way that's for sure. And even if things go your way, you can't take it for granted.

2009-09-14T06:09:00.000-07:00

Now even calling you, i got to pluck up all my courage...

Where's those time were my phone can just auto dial your number?

How ironic can i be? And finally i gather all my guts and dialed your number...

You picked up....but words can't seem to get out of my mouth....

I can only listen to those "Hello" you gave me...

How familiar was the voice to me....

But it just seem so far away from me....

How i wish those voices would still linger in my mind...

2009-09-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

如果说有设么让我难过得

那就是你假装你不认识我

我假装不认识你

你说这不是背叛

是一种自由

我看着你脱稿是许适应了黑暗

但是对你的焦距却是

越来越模糊

一直到现在

我才发现爱你

或不爱你

都是不能假装的

Today is my parents 25th year anniversary. Time really flies, they got married on 09 09...

2009-09-06T05:26:00.000-07:00

If viewing stars can be so clear as those you paste on the walls. If reading a person mind can be as easy as a story book. Things will never be the same just like how a person will age as times goes by.

With every different environment, people will grow and sadly, they will change until a stage we find ourselves having doubt in assuming that do we actually know the person? There's different stages in life that we must encounter in order of becoming an adult therefore problems are for us to solve not to brood over it.

Yesterday was a mind tasking, mental devouring day for me. I became so tense that i let it all out in the soccer session. In addition, i saw people i didn't want to. I set my mind straight and really putting down what i must in order to move on. I ask myself, why can't a person life be problem-free, and the answer i gave myself was this. If a person life is problem-free, the person won't grow up and always taking things for granted. In the end, the person won't be able to solve anything in life and sadly to say, don't know what a problem is after all.

It's a new month and a month that i wished it will end fast. Seems like it's a month of frustration so i hope everyone experiencing that will just hold on tight and let's just pass it together and hoping next month will be a better one. Plus let my face heal fast too.

2009-08-30T06:15:00.000-07:00

How can you forget someone if the person still live in your head? Every time rainy days come, I feel happy because it really calm me down and make me think of you. My room is full of your items and memories. Every time i sleep, i only dare to sleep on the right side, because you always sleep on the left. Once, my mother said i shout your name in my sleep and follow by "I Love you", how ironic man. All those words i said I already forget her, i got over her, she's no longer in me. Bullshit man, I can't get over her, everything i said to her, everything i do with her, every place i go with her, everything about her really still exist in my head and every time I thought i can do it, no it just came back, some times in double size mind eating pressure. My heart scream in agony and the thinking about you no being able to be with me, looking at my brother and sister talking to my mother about their relationship, really fucked me up sometimes. This isn't jealousy but more of "Adrian, you have her for 3 years, whatever your sister and brother had go through you had done it already so what's the pain about?" Guess I only can express this anger and pain through blogging.

But no matter how depress, sad or down i am. There's no way you can show it out to your friends and family. Sucks isn't it. Move over Adrian.

2009-08-30T03:46:00.000-07:00

Kept having dreams which made me wake up in shock every night. Both of you keep appearing in it I don't know why followed by a lot of other cast in my life. Some i hope it really happen, some likewise. Subconsciously, I really enjoy it, be able to continue doing it I'm really happy enough. I really don't know what i want or what i don't want. People said dreams are often opposite from reality but I think i am satisfied from what i get in my dreams already because that won't ever happen in my life.

Now i believe there's more exciting life outside there, like seriously. Just now i have a good talk with Michael and i told him a lot of things. I said until what we go through compared from them is like heaven and earth.

I think "Playground" is a very quiet and nice place to slack at. Michael and I saw 3 pretty girls there! The KFC have no people and the starbucks have a very relaxing feel which i think can quietly sit down and think about a lot of stuff.

So Next time if you guys wanna go where slack, there's the best place to do it.

2009-08-22T02:41:00.000-07:00

Life is a journey, not a guided tour....

This few days, i can really experience the truth behind a lot of faces. Some people you can never know the real them unless troubles start to land. It's really sad to said that but that's just life and we have to accept it no matter what the excuse they gave. You got only yourself to rely when things go bad and promise arise.

A big reality slap to me again yesterday, listening to different people problems coming together, you can really see how small your problems is. Somehow i think putting down this thing out of my mind is possible but with a lot of heartless thoughts.

Another thing i wan to mention that is every problem to different people have different stress level, so no one is allowed to said your problems is small so you eventually can get over it easily. Because we all work differently! (CZH THIS PARA IS SINCERELY FOR YOU)

Their problems gave me a lot of advice on how to work things in the later part of life. So i tell myself i really must achieve a certain standard before i can really work out my life.

Finance, Relationship and Career are the 3 main things in life, it take our whole life to manage them. Each and every event will change your life one or another way. This is where we will grow and become a real adult.

Life is book with empty page, not a text book....

Don't know for some reasons, my fire or flame of enthusiasm have seize. Like if going out, I won't have any more pre-thinking of what will i expect. I won't expect a lot already, just me relaxing in one corner will do, laughter and thrills are just add on. I think i'm growing old, that's why this will happen?

2009-08-12T06:12:00.000-07:00

Making something clear before i continue blogging. The previous post wasn't talking about any of you 3. Mainly CHUAH ZHI HAO, chee wee and beng wee, so don't keep hunting me. I'm just a audience in your life.

After having that conversation with you made me realize a lot, understanding more of what is she actually going through. There's fact that are very hard for me to swallow but slowly, I'm pushing down my throat. When you told me those things, i really can see there's not barrier in between, just two harmless soul trying to communication. This is what i can't get from her because she just can't let people see her weak side. I seen it but there's no more chance for me to catch it again. She shut off that moment she made that decision.

It take two hands to clap to make sound and all this while I thought those two hands are working hard clapping but truthfully the fact is that, the other hand has somehow gotten tired and eventually given up clapping. Leaving the clapping task to the other hand but that's not the end. Now, the tired hand has had enough of everything and left the other hand.

Spark need to be there for it when it started and not by trying to create spark in relationship. It will really wear out a person, physically and mentally. Now that both hands had tired themselves out. I guess peace is next? or maybe there's another hand, softer and warmer. Creating louder and smoother tone?

When i pour out to you, you told me you'll stick by me, i know you are the one that support me the most. But can you feel the sadness i have in this matter? You know which matter I'm referring to. It just seem so fragile and when i look back, god we went through so much but what's the use? The situation just dissolve without anyone supporting it. You will said so what? what can you do? but don't you atleast feel a little sad for what is happening? Guess tiredness have gotten in and ignorance are building in.

Love is such an fragile, especially ours.

Bond is untangling beneath our eyes but we just stood still.

Are you happy now?

2009-08-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

Well, whatever happen in this two days really taking the soul out of me. It's like a reality punch rather than a reality slap. I know this day will come soon but I'm just not prepare to face it not because i don't know the truth but it's more like I'm looking for leakage. And now, it's confirmed, no lies, faking ignorance or blinding myself will help me anymore. I finally know how you feel my friend, the feeling ain't good. I guess, it's time to really face it and stop whatever happening happening.

2009-07-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

Trust.

What is trust.

It's nothing but mere hope you put on someone that might or might not believe in you.

Sometimes, i wonder what the hell am I'm doing. I thought of sharing my burden with you but i ended up in deeper shit every time i tell you somethings. I thought you were the most mature and understanding out of the group. I guess i was wrong. I thought you were different, different from the rest but the truth is, you are just as weak as all of us. Maybe in between us, trust is no longer there. I can feel it one way or another. Maybe too many things had happened, making us drifted further and further away. It's not like last time already. It's really a pity you know, i thought this friendship will last my whole life. But when i take another look, i really will be having a second thought whether i should a not. I learn my lessons, I know what i must do. Maybe it's for me to advance another step in maturity.

I can't keep everything, it's not i can't take it but rather, i need someone to share the burden with me, giving me advice or advise me on the matter. Watching all this make me wonder, why are drama scenario coming true in life? It's like i no longer feel the coziness we used to had. It's making me wonder, does it happen to everyone in their life? or it's because of something that started so badly, the wound yet to heal and everyone using their spears and shield to guard against each other already. I'm really disappointed, with everyone including myself. Where's the magical dust that make everything so wonderful?

Sister. You have been reading the things I've posted. My thoughts, negative or positive ones, it rather make me sound so weak, so vulnerable. Advice you been giving me, i thought of it. You are helping me but i just can't change this thought as i wanted? Everyone said i can't forget her but you are the only one that believe i could. Thanks for having that trust in me.

Woman, those words you told me that night. I really spend a night thinking about it, i know what i must do but just give me more time. All this will end soon, because i don't think I'm that strong anymore, i can't do what i did last time. I really feeling pain when I'm typing this, it's feel like I'm really going to throw everything away. Wash my hands from everything already and concentrate with myself already.

Human heart

How much can it contain?

How much can it resist temptation?

How can such beautiful hearts be filled with so much hatred, doubt and selfishness in such short period of time?

Because we are just human

Some using brain

Some using heart

But there's never a time where two will co-exist at one time.

signing off...
forgott3n

2009-07-22T05:52:00.000-07:00

Just wanna share something. Seriously I've been very unlucky this few days, always like a thorn in other people flesh. hopefully it will pass me just like the eclipse passes through.

Today i met you, although it's for only a few minutes it was way comfortable to my mind and emotionally. Guess i really learn how to tone down a lot, don't expect too much. Be contented even if the time wasn't too long. If given a wish, i hope this will just happen everyday just for awhile.

2009-07-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like writing a short post today. Writing something about regrets. If a second chance and a chance to travel back time, i guess life will be a better one already.

Regrets, i bet a lot of people is living a life with it. I have a lot of things that i want to change before it even happen but what to do, What have done is already done. There's one thing good about regrets is that it make us learn and let us know that we can't afford to make another this kinda mistake. It let us grow up, become more knowledgeable and sometimes, it's let us advise other people, occasionally letting them avoid this mishap before it even happened. That's why words of elderly maybe a treasure to make life a better one.

I really hope I won't get another regret because i'm planning my life right now with all those advise flying around my head.

2009-07-07T04:16:00.000-07:00

I got something to get off my chest quickly man. I think you are a funny man, when you have something in your possession, your words changed so quickly man. So fast that i don't think i know you like i do last time. Maybe you can say I'm cursing you or what, but i wish you will become like one of us soon, try being like us one day. I bet that you will feel the pain plus loneliness. Somehow, i'm like waiting for that day to happen. I'll save that conversation we had and if that day really come, I'll fuck you like a bastard man...

2009-07-06T06:28:00.001-07:00

A lot had happened since my last post. I think I've changed in a way that life force me to. Sometime I wish life could stay stagnant or even longer in our happiest part of life. But that's a wish, wish doesn't come true all the time, or i prefer to say wish and dreams always happen to go together.

Things always happened for a cause and this is how our life changed after that. Recalling about the past, i really regret a lot but if there's no regrets than how to make life a better one next time? Life is a life long learning journey, you lose something but eventually you will gain something. I'm going to enter a new phase in life, strive harder will make my route smoother so there's no way i can relax now.

I think some people have some misconception about me, I really love money but i won't tell lies just because i'm going to get some money to hold some party. It's heartbreaking sometimes, so heartbreaking that i really don't want to have any ties with them anymore. But I think i broaden my vision now, knowing that people don't always act like they want to but act to their benefit.

Seriously, I want to be mature, act more like an grown up in the group but sometimes it's just like if everyone is in a silences, won't the situation be so awkward. There must be some people who are willing to break the ice ain't it? It sucks but what to do? Anyway, I'm not going to joke or talk nonsense if i ever going out with you all again. If you happen to read it and think I'm talking about you, don't talk behind my back. Come and talk to me straight in the face. If you want to fuck it, I'm happy to do so too. :)

2009-06-24T03:59:00.001-07:00

分裂前的热泪分裂后的冷眼

This sentence means a lot to me. Translating it....

Tears before breaking up is call passion of tears, they are shed because of happiness.
Tears after breaking up is call brutal of tears, they are shed because of pain.

2009-06-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

我痛得快死了却无法把你忘了...........

I only have one year left to do nothing. After this one year, it's welcome to the "Slog like hell" reality and the Money make the world go round" world. Damn! Before this come, i got somethings that i need to acquire to make my journey a smoother one.

I really wants to go Miss U cafe to slack even just for awhile. It's so so smoothing just to be there, even though there's nothing very fanciful about it. It just bring back a lot of nice, heartwarming and blessed memories.

Sometimes, I really wonder why some people are born with a golden spoon in their mouth where everything they hold and have is so perfect, with no burden or problems about everything. Maybe they did good deed in their previous life. Haha. I read the newspaper this morning and it's about a 4 year old little girl, she got this rare kinda cancer and she's going to the states for treatment. She only got 20% or so recovery rate but she's not showing sign of giving up, she's actually telling her mother, "Don't worry, Don't cry, I will be healthy again. Just for you. Just to watch you grow old.". What a brave child man. Why am i'm grumbling about little things while this people are worrying about the most basic thing, Survival.

Saw Andrew's Gf post on facebook something like "When will i move on?". This is a very broad question man. This burden can't ever be put down, moving on is ultimately setting aside this matter and look forward in life, hungry for more things so your mind is cooped up with more things. Andrew is back, his responsibilities are bigger and heavier now, rely on him girl. He's as stable as a stone. He will act as that comfort point from now onwards. I wish I'm making right sense here. Sorry if i'm not.

Forgetting someone is so difficult.

2009-06-07T12:25:00.000-07:00

i could swear i miss you like crazy today, it's been a long time since i felt this horrible, the feeling of wanting to call you but stop myself from doing it all night. Finally i made a call but you off your phone. Don't know whether this is good or bad but i really love to hear your voice now. Although it's hurting so badly, i don't mind lengthening it a little. I prayed hard to the people above, i pour out my soul and i really wish it will come true.

Sometimes, i wish memories are like tissue. Once used, throw it away. Or like money, just saved it up and never knew how it look like again. I still love you deeply man. I know it's like the million times i said it but i got to release that sentence no matter what. I'm doing whatever i can to stop that from happening but i guess significant days will be extra painful? Lastly, i love you woman....

2009-06-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

Gonna do a short post today...

Just came back from a nice relaxing cruise. With a lot of problems yet still a lot of laughter. Sorry to Zeyang for falling sick at the last minute and wasting a huge portion of his trip money, sleeping and visiting the doctor on board.

I spend quite some time alone as i wanted to be emo for the cruise. And for some reason, I'm the only one who is always awake and not tired so....whose next? I love to stand at the deck of the ship or at the back looking at wave, sky and the surrounding view. Wonderful man, it really make you think what you want to do when you are retiring. It's not always gambling on board, it's far more than that. It gave me a lot of time to think, set my goal or mindcept and really miss her. Although how tough i said or act, she's always my killing point. Always will.

Spend some time with my secondary school mates and i can see, all of them changed, in term of character and thinking. This's call growing up ain't it?

3 days on board pass like a flash, back to work on the following day made me really don't feel like working, that's everyone's feeling went they just got back from holiday right? Ha.

We are all growing up now, facing more problems is out of questions, facing reality and accepting facts are what going to happen more in our life. Difficult problems, ugly reality and awful facts, damn, there's more to life than that man. Perservere and we will grow old together man. Looking at life the way we want it to be.

2009-05-23T23:41:00.000-07:00

Writing a short post to vent all the feelings caught in me. For as long as i remembered, i been wanting to go on a holiday and now a wish come true, will be going with Joline and friends to cruise for this coming weekend. Looking forward and really want to ease myself and forget all the problems i had. Might think i'm like avoiding it but i really want to put down as much as i can but somethings will last for as long as you know.

My temper have been going from bad to worst, I'll try to reframe it from getting out of control. Last time, everytime i got angry, i will think of you, that i shouldn't act like that because when you see me you will get very very angry, and i don't wish that to happen. But now when i go hay-wire, "No burden" will come into my mind and i will go what my crazy mind tell me so. So very sorry that night for whatever happen, i will be a good boy again. I hope so? hahaha...

Life is unpredictable, very unpredictable. Recently, something happen and it's a very sad matter. i don't know her well but as a friend i feel very very sorry. If it were me, i really don't know how to react to it. I'll think I'll will just break down man, like totally. Losing someone so close to you is such a painful matter. I don't even dare to think what will happen next time. That's why i emphasize a lot of times already. Treasure people close to you before you regret next time. Take care girl and i wish your boy will come back to you soon and be your support from then onwards.

Therefore, i will be nice to my close friends around me. Love you guys. And i want to apologise to Janet if she's still angry with me. Sorry girl! Enough said. I'm going on my lonely kopi session now! Bye!

But Before i go! Some picture to share!

When swimming with JiaYi A.K.A My Guardian Angel. Some of you will know why. I carry this cute bag containing my Barang Barang. He said it was damn nice so i tell him take my picture.

Found this on a webside it suppose to move but I don't know it will anot. If it move, you guys will know what guys do when they are alone in the room.
My Yandao, GAY partner number 1. See how proud he were? Next time go there must see his name ar!
He asked me why i never add his photo last post so to compensate him, i will post two of his photo. This photo is what i call words with action. So BENGLISH....whatever?
The second picture, this is what i call dreamer in action,
Mr Chuah blame me for not putting nice picture of him so this picture send by him that he said made he look slim because of his standing posture, i will make him feel good.
Does this person look like Valerie? A lot of people said so already. Hmmph...no other meaning...

2009-05-09T02:15:00.000-07:00

I'm finally gonna blog already. This few weeks was like seeing map and coloring map and drawing map. Sucks but at least I'm learning something extra! Going back to clementi camp soon. Meaning more work to do but I planning to slack over this one year. I work so hard just to get the sergeant rank and I'm going to get it after next week so no point already. Haha what a hypocrite I'm. Sorry Army! Another thing I hope my pay is going to be the new one! Haha so i don't have to complain so many times!

It's mother's day tomorrow. I decided to write something to mothers in the world. Dedicate specially to my mother. I love her so so so much! I paid for dying her hair today! Hahaha. So special to me to do that. It's the first thing and there's more to come!

Ma! Thanks for taking care of me and walking with me through thick and thin. You act as an friend more than a strict mother, although sometimes your nagging really turns my temper on but I really don't want to show you anymore. Watching you everyday is a joyful event to me, even if it's watching you sleep on the coutch. Your wrinkles seem to get more with each passing day. It's call aging man, no one can do it from happening but I really want to treasure more time with you, leaving no regret in the future. Some people may not find their mother getting old but seriously it's happening and it won't stop. After my army, i promise i will try to bring you to a holiday with me before i start "life after army phase". Today when I see you dying your hair and trying to spot your white hair. I found out it getting like a lot, not specially a lot but quite a few compared to years ago where you will like tell me to spot those white hair and pluck them out, tying into a knot after that. Not a lot of people can feel but frankly speaking, I don't want to leave any regret in life already. I have far to many regrets and i hate to say it. Parents are worlds greatest being to be. So we must treasure them, love them, accompany them and try not arguing with them. Loving them with your life is the best thing to do now.

Last night, i went out with seng and went to eat, there's an drink stall ah ma attending to us, i were asking about her the price of the drink but she interpret wrongly and thought I was asking about how much is her. She immediatly told me, she's PRICELESS! Impress man, she carried on saying morning, she will make breakfast, afternoon wait for me to come home to eat dinner, evening if i call and said i not coming home for dinner, she won't cook and at night wait for me to come back. Haha, that's what all mothers will do right? With a little differences in each factor la but overall there's no differences. I was touched when she said that to me, I meant you won't feel it when it become a routine but when it suddenly stop, there you go complaining. Every family have different kinda mother, i'm not asuming every mum is like that but mum always have a special kind of pattern she will do every. That's a fact.

I love you mum! Happy mother's day. I hope you love your new hair! there's more to come! I wish you happier and merrier with each passing year, lesser troubles cause by us too! I sincerely love you from the bottom of my heart.

To all my friends there, I got an little advice to you. Although, we have little minor quarrels, disagreements and lack of understandings with our parents, we can always sort it out. No need for harsh words of anger. Treasure them, make them happy. They are the one who accompanied you since you were young, carrying you for atleast 9 months in their stomach and feeding you for as long as you remembered.

To all mum. Again, have a joyful Mother's day tomorrow.

I saw some pictures in my computer i decided to post because it bring back lots of memories. Beautiful ones where our friends enjoy our life with no worries and burden. Pictures meant a thousand words, signing off!

This is the decoration in Miss U cafe. I love this place so so much. The ambience is superb bring my mood to the lowest and the most comfortable one.

I told a lot of people who accompanied me to this cafe that the object attracted me the most is this Heart hanging at the back of the cafe. Damn nice. So smoothing to watch it blink.

This is around 6am at bedok swimming complex. Young wild times where we will wake up damn early just to go swimming in this damn cold waters!

Forget where i took it but I think it's call water lily right? My photo taking skill not bad la.

This photo was taken at my house bus stop early in the morning. Guess it's when i having my attachment at AMD.

Michael, my favourite guy. Ain't he cute? I think a lot of girls will agree. AND GUYS TOO!

My BLOOD brother. Big Bookie. Although irritating but i still love him.When we were young.

2009-04-24T22:43:00.000-07:00

Just watch this movie. Freaking nice, other than he is super duper handsome, the movie had a meaning which i would like to said. Some people keep complaining about things that had passed, bringing up something they would like to change to make their future a better one. The truth is something even how much you complaint, in the end you will still choose the original way or in other words, the way you walk to become what you're now. A lot of things you may regret not doing or somethings you have regret doing it but think about it, is it true that you won't regret if you did it or you won't regret if you never did it.

The bottom line is don't regret about the past, try to make the road ahead of you a better one instead of complaining. What's your thinking?

Been awhile since i update my blog. Guess i don't have a lot to update my life about. This week was rather a hard one, problems keep coming but doesn't seem to be solving. Tears are what kept me going, sound stupid but it's one of the way to relieve the pressure I'm keeping inside.

I want to apologize to people who tried to ask me out but push away. It's because i really don't want my mood to affect the happy mood around when going out. It's rather disturbing to me so pardon me for acting so stuck up.

I wanted to drop all this but it's difficult for me. In my room, everywhere i go, what i do and in my mind, contained too much of you. I'm trying to stop thinking already but it just keep coming back.

I sung my heart out yesterday, too bad Kong Long Gege not there but luckily I have Mi Feng and Qing Ting to accompany me. While walking home, we talked about secondary days again. Found out that we will never get sick of talking and listening about it. It's just so special for us. Mi Feng wanted to hold a chalet for our old friends. I'm putting two thumbs up for this idea. Would like to hold some kind of people gathering, so if any of you people are reading my blog and agreed to this idea. Please leave your name at my tagbox or at Kong Long's or Mi Feng's blog. Thanks.

Family is very important thing, super duper important. No matter how they act and behave, try to tolerate them. Because next time, no matter how much money you spend or have, won't bring those moments back again. Those people(You know who you are) are included in my family, will never be left out by me. Just pardon me for a period of time first.

My mother let me read a newspaper article today and it's about one guy, living in tampines, was convicted to raping and molesting 9 girls (It's girls). Why he do that? It's because he can't get over the break up and he became depress, start doing all those shit. Great guy ain't he?This puzzle had been kept in my cupboard for ages. It's called forbidden love, ain''t it beautiful....

I'm going holiday soon, hopefully?

Special thanks for Mi Feng for that night, doesn't need to explain much, he knows it.

2009-04-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

I was clearing my room just now. Suddenly, i saw my calender on top of my cupboard. When i saw it, there was a very eye catching date on the calender. It was 12 January 2009. I think you would know this date very clearly. I remembered that was the last time i actually touch the calender. Last time, I'm very aware of the date and up coming events but now, I'm like living a life of whatever comes come. Just waiting for time to pass, sad isn't it....

2009-04-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today was the most upsetting day of the week, so many things just happened. When i was on my way back from army, i suddenly received your message, it was very sudden and i don't really know how to react. I really wanna call you at that time, if you asked me i really wanna meet you and really hug you for as long as i can. That's a dream. I can't really face the truth and all those facts that are pointing towards me. I only can run when i see you, i don't even have the guts to face you now you know. All i know is to coop up and cry or stare in blank.

When you ask me how am i. This is the question that you know better than me. I only can reply you something. If i can send one more message i would sent you. Woman, i love you the same as 3 years ago, nothing had change and nothing will. I will still do what it take to make you happy and to see you happy. I love you woman i really do.

I'm like super down under now. I can't handle the truth.

Happy birthday to you! Although i don't know why i always like to pretend my birthday is the same as you and i know you won't ever know this blog, i still want to wish you a very beautiful sweet 22 birthday.

When i was walking back home, thoughts start invading my mind. Things that concern you and her start flying in. I wish i had someone to complain to but when i search my phone book, i can't find anyone. Not a single person that i think wish to listen to me nag and complaint. I swallow down this and made my way to mac and head back home after that.

While waiting for Bloods at interchange just now and the walking to taxi at night, i realized something, they are not always there for you. So you have to be strong and try to cover all this by yourself. No point telling them too, they can't help much except for listening.

2009-04-05T03:06:00.000-07:00

I slept more than 24 hrs for this two days already. I wants to wake up but I just don't wanna do that because I didn't know what to do when I woke up. Went for soccer and nearly got into a fight, shittified man, i didn't want that to happen but my temper been getting out of hand, must try to control it already, maybe it's you that always help me control my temper and now when it's out of hand, i don't know how to control it by myself.

Met up with Belinde and kong long for a nice supper session, at my favorite place at Bedok, Miss u cafe. I treated them because I just earned 100 dollars from the Ippt. We talked about a lot of things, relationship topics are the most and each of us got different stories behind us. Listening to each of us pouring out the grudge we had in that relationship made the whole atmosphere very smoothing, weird ain't it? haha Miss u cafe had contain so many memories of mine, i told them. The heart hanging at the top of the cafe was my favourite one, if i can find it seriously, i will buy it.

After that session, send belinde home and went to find Lao Shu and Qing Ting for more food! Man, fatting man, my mother would told me i'm pumping my tyres again. Pool session afterwards and we stayed at bedok mac until the first bus timing, talk about a lot of things and I farted a lot too. The day ended when i reach home, watch some HK drama and slept until now.

When I was on the bus, I saw the places we had laughter in and where we made the best bonding for our friendship. Kong Long told me one thing, now it's either me group or he group. Wah damn low, I'm really a person that can't catch up with reality, i need the time. I really want some time off from all this. Hopefully it gonna come soon, where i can just put down on the outside things and led a normal simple life inside there.

2009-03-29T01:51:00.000-07:00

I finally found this song, been searching high and low for it. It's a very beautiful, smoothing yet depressing song.

Enjoy it.

Btw, thanks for accompanying me yesterday night. From the deepest thankful to you guys.

And Aubrey was her name
a not so very ordinary girl or name
But who's to blame?
For a love that wouldn't bloom
For the hearts that never played in tune
like a lovely melody that everyone can sing
Take away the words that rhyme, it doesn't mean a thing

And Aubrey was her name
We tripped the light and danced together to the moon
But where was June?
No, it never came around
If it did it never made a sound
Maybe I was absent or was listening too fast
catching all the words but then the meaning going past

But God I miss the girl
And I'd go a thousand times around the world just to be
closer to her than to me

And Aubrey was her name
I never knew her but I loved her just the same
I loved her name
Wish that I had found the way
and the reasons that would make her stay
I have learned to lead a life apart from all the rest
If I can't have the one I want, I'll do without the best

But how I miss the girl
And I'd go a million times around the world just to say
she had been mine for a day

To you, from me.....

2009-03-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

I suddenly felt this big heap of depressing feeling. It's like throwing me down into a bottomless pit. I still remember how you scolded me for going soccer with them, nagging about me injuring myself always and banning me for the next soccer session. A big reality slap for me when i got home, look at my phone and it's just like what i left it to be. No more nagging, no more scolding and no more of you calling me. I always wish it was just a dream, not even a dream, a frightening nightmare. Just wake myself out of it and there you are waiting for me. I know it's very ignorant for me to say this but this is what I'm feeling now.

It's really devouring me up, I'm like crying writing this. The worst thing is the reason for the break up are You don't see a future in me and we aren't on equal status now. I tried so hard and finally got this 8-5 vocation is seriously for you, so that i can to spend more time with you. I don't know how to let you see a future in me you know. Maybe I'm really a failure that's the message you got from the three years together. I will improve myself, I'm learning driving already. I want to go traveling and explore the world but it's like who to go with? who to drive with? I'm going very slow because i don't see the point in getting all this. I know you're facing hardship now and i really want to help you. I don't mind people calling me stupid or clown when i do things for you. I put my heart into yours already and I again am trying to take it back but it's clinging very hard onto yours.

Melissa once told me I'm very self centered that reason made me down for three years. Even now, when people said I'm self centered, i will reflect on what i did and maybe get what they mean. Maybe I'm not worthy of you. I don't know how to react to things now you know. I only know when i go anywhere, i will think of time we are there and enjoying each other company. I'm like pointless now man, no direction to head, no aim to complete.

Today, i had a lot of laughter with our guys and that made me doubt that happiness too. Are we going to be like that 2 years down the road? Remembering last time, we walk in a large group and laughing loudly like we own the street. This number have been reducing rapidly, each of us having our own life to live. Msn chat we can get like 10-15 people in the chat, not a problem, talking cock, scolding each other and the next day when we see each other, we will still continue the topic we talk and laughing like there's no tomorrow. Now, even 5 people is very hard to gather. Shittified right? This word Shittified is taught by you too! Oh my... Guess I'm a guy that can't move on in life! Last time Last time, that's what i only know how to say. Fuck man.

Remembering about the past....shall post some picture...enjoy... This few pictures have no hidden meaning, it's really for pulling back those beautiful yet sour memories....

This few scenes will never surface again...never...

2009-03-24T04:47:00.000-07:00

Been awhile since i updated my blog, guess this few days I'm trying to adjust myself to my native life, the life that as if nothing have happen before but I'm still a long way from that target.

Okay, i applied for a morning off because i have an medical appointment in the evening and so the whole day is off for me. Board the train and saw one china old couple, i believe the woman is a prostitute and the man, i think he just paid money for their making love session. They were hugging each other like tomorrow is the last day of earth. I forgot to add something, the girl was wearing a white dress with low CUT and her breast was like popping out. As they were hugging so tightly like they wanna make love in the train, the lady breast was like going to pop out any time. A lot i really mean really a lot of people are looking at them but they seem like they are in their own world. They spotted a seat not long after but it's only one so what happen next really blew me off quite a bit, the guy sat on the chair and next the lady came on top of his lap. Wah Lan EH, haha it's the first time i ever see this kinda thing, the next thing i know, the auntie sitting next to them cannot tahan, she immediately stood up and walk away. The girl came down off his lap and sat beside him, they resume to their hugging and kissing session and next i thought the lady gonna give him a blow job or something but she just lay on the guy's lap. Valerie always tell me this kinda PDA (Public Display of Affection) will end up in the net, let see what tomorrow paper's have to say. If my phone is a camera phone, i will take their picture and sent to STOMP and get my NTUC voucher!

The next thing was a roughly 15 year old boy came in the train at city hall and he was wearing a head band but i look closely, it was actually a Naruto headband haha power right? at the same time, he was wearing a naruto glove too, machiam cos play! He was EVIL and totally devoted to naruto! haha i can't believe there are such a daring naruto lover here in Singapore. Imagine him run like one too haha.

Last thing, two school boy board the train and i can see that they are the unfortunate one(if you know what i meant). They saw that the train is full so they stood beside me but after a while, he said very loudly "NO SPACE!", right after that, he put his things on the floor and while trying to sit down on the floor, he pull my pants and act as a support for him, oh my, lucky the pants i wore quite tight. HAHAH, he didn't even apologies to me or anything but i just ignore it and continue standing beside him.

This few days, i took a lot of time to think. i called Michael almost everyday to nag and complain to him but i know i can't do this for long. It been a long time since i stood at the corridor and look at the sky, thinking about what i must do. I know i irritate lots of people already and i really can't get myself out of this deep shit. I believe I'm staying in this pile of shit for a long long time before i can dug myself out of it. Everything i said or think, surely will have you appearing in it and i can't change this fact. I really can't. While looking at the skies, i remember about days, we were just sitting at the beach and admiring the clouds passing by.

I can't face this fact, my mother she told me to take my time but i think it's gonna be a long long time. You sent me a message and i know that is what i must do if the message last line is true. I will do it for your sake. I know i said to you a lot of time that i will try but surely you know i will fail, just give me more time. I know you're helping me but just give me a bit to bite in can? I'm sorry guys, I'm sorry to you too. I just hate my heart when it come to this kinda matter. I hate it....

2009-03-17T07:31:00.000-07:00

人的心是一个很奇妙的东西，可以待来无限的快乐和无限的伤痛。

两个心可以塞几个问号?

你的心又可以变多快？

我每天都在想你，可是悲伤没离开我。

2009-03-16T06:58:00.000-07:00

I don't know why am i feeling this way but it's really unbearable. I tried several times to stopped thinking of it, i tried ways like making a lot of noise(which my mother felt utterly disturbed by my action), eating nonstop(which made me grew fat that's what a lot of people said) and when drinking(which made many shun away from me). God, why am i doing all this man, i asked myself every time but this is what made me temporary put down what's in my mind.

I told myself, i shall stop all this action before i get myself into deep shit again. I seek understanding from some of you guys that I'm really still trying to stand up. All this weeks, I've been deceiving and hiding myself away from the truth. What kept me going is actually this fake thought that i had in my mind. I been living on it all this time, even though i know it deep down under that this won't ever happen but I'm a loser, a total loser.

I phone Elaine today and talked to her quite some time, i can see that she's like half way giving up on me, she said something like "I every time listen you say this but seems like you never really want to do it". Wah damn low when listen to her say this kinda thing about myself. Well actions speaks louder than word! I'm going to start!

I told Elaine i want to be the bad guy but she told me I can't be one because my conscious will bite me down and bring me back to my sense, I told her i want to find someone else to forget her but she told me to really sincerely put down this before going into another. She also said i can't do it. Quite fucktub but in my guilty conscious, it quite true.

I really wanna go on a holiday, a short one will do. I wanna go by myself(if i dare to do it) or go with a small group just to get away from here. Hopefully i can plan one by myself soon.

I can't blame you or anyone but myself.....

I would like to apologies to two person.

Firstly is Joline, i felt i fly her a lot of times already and i did something bad to her. Both of us know what is the thing. She's giving up on me, terribly disappointed on me and i know myself that i can't expect her to forgive me. I really have a hard time trying to tell you I'm sorry so i hope by any chance you can forgive me, i know i been a jerk, horrible one some more.

Secondly is mi feng di di. I've been very self centered to him, i did everything with his companionship for my sake. I want to do what, i will just drag him a long without considering about him. Felt quite bad until i think back. I'm sorry man and thanks for standing by me for this period of time. I won't ask you again.

I've two pictures i would like to share, this was taken when michael was driving to fetch my sister from tanah merah ferry terminal, i could swear that this is the hardest terminal to find in singapore because there are about 4 terminal in changi and this is one of the most deserted but newly open one.

To me the picture resemble something like everytime dark clouds swallow a picture of vast sky, there will or should alway be a spot that will let light through and brighten a route for you to go. In another context, never give up no matter how dark your path is because on the dark road, there are bound to be a ray of light hope waiting for you to discover and save you from all this misery!

2009-03-01T01:34:00.000-08:00

This few days had been raining continuously. I really feel peaceful when i just lie on my bed, wonder what i got to do next. Listening her voice once in a while, just make me gain a bit comfort to my deprive soul. I've been reading books but i don't think my English is getting any better. Likewise, i think i become more open to people, more daring to talk to them. That's a good start i think but it's not for getting anyone attention or to find a new spark in life. I'm still living with the spark that accompanied me for three years. This will go on for a long time, Joline know this because she somehow can communicate with me in this kinda matter. Although she hate me when i say i love her sister. Haha, that's small fact that i hate to denied.

Met up with some old friends and we had a joyful talk, talking about their life and how're they know. It's clearly everyone still misses each other just that no one has the initiative to ask each other out. I really miss the time we had together, talking cock, singing song and smacking each other. I know we talked about the past like A LOT OF TIME but it doesn't seem to get boring when we talk about it. Laughter still come out from them, this group of people i had now, will and surely be the one i going to stick for the rest of my life. I swore i will try to go through thick and thin with them. HAHa how ironic right? I think when valerie read it, she surely will say "猪朋狗友". But come to think of it, i really got this kind of friends what. CZH look like a pig and he surely love pig as in for toy and for food. Michael, i been calling him dog for years already!, he love dog and surely don't like to walk his own dog! haha.

Enough of nonsense, i'm going to start improving myself already. I will let people see i'm worthy of her and my future is going to be a good one....

A little distrubing fact....He always sent me this kind of censor message and i think i going to sue him for harrassment soon. Stay tune 蜜蜂弟弟.

[Continuing]

But rain, it's something like a period of time for people to ponder what they want and expect in life. It calms down the emotion we had inside and somehow pauses it to make us regain the peace we had when we're still naive and pure.

I'm not trying to act emo....I AM EMO with my brother along! haha CZh will know why!

2009-02-25T06:25:00.001-08:00

Back with a new post. Just to update myself, recently I'm post to a new place with new people around me and this time i promise, i won't be truthful to those people, in the sense that i won't get hurt by them and they won't know a lot about me. Barrier is always the best method to guard yourself. The job is good, slacking and it's not a stay in vocation anymore, i will still draw combat pay and i still can go for my ippt for the money again.

Today was my first day, the people there are nice, too talkative and some how more naggy than the people in sispec but i know that's the way how they going to work at there. I will try to get a long with them and be a good boy for this remaining time serving the nation!

Was on my way back today after having dinner with some of the guys there but i went home earlier as i didn't want to stay until the sky gone dark. When i was waiting for the bus, i saw a very beautiful, gigantic magnificent rainbow. Behind it was cover with dark clouds but the opposite side was somehow like the break of dawn, the sun light was just perfect.

Somehow it made me ponder, ponder about life and it's meaning. A lot of thing got into my mind, clashing comments, arguing opinions and unjustified facts in everyone life's.

I'm writing my blog and looking at her now, this is my only enjoyment and something like a treat for me so that i too can take some time off enjoying myself. She's just too good to be mine, too much of a beauty to go with me. I know this will make a lot of people comment about ugly thing but i don't care. I'm really at the verge of the cliff, just let me enjoy while i can.

What's the link between rainbow, dark clouds and clear sky?

Every time when dark clouds filled to sky and began to rain, it really dampen people's mood and bring silences to the surrounding.

I'll continue the later part next time......

Confession

2009-02-16T02:51:00.000-08:00

I've a confession to make today, a very realistic fact about myself. Maybe hatred(a little, how to hate someone you love? especially when you gave your whole life to already), depression(a lot, I'm like on the verge of breaking down, just that some people are helping me withstand going over that side) and loneliness(hey, I'm alone now, back then and in the future) made me what I'm now.

But first, Sorry to you Valerie, for wasting 3 years of your life with me, i know i coop you all this while and thanks for accommodating with me all this while. It was very nice of you to do that. I'm now on the route to closing up myself. You taught me a lot, how to be a gentleman, how to treat a girl the rightful way, how to plan, don't be lazy, learn to earn money or willing to work and last but not least how to control my temper (you know what i mean!).

Alright, back to my confession! I can't take back my words already, i lost the war man, i can't have her back already. Valentine day was the best day i had for this year, although short but it was heartwarming to the extend that i can really give up 5 years of my life for that 3 hours. This is what i bought for her, sorry there isn't any present for you. Hope you like it.

I'm going forward already, at least that's what i think I'm doing. Yesterday, when i finish doing my duty and when to bed. Suddenly, I woke up crying, tears just kept coming down my face. I tried to stop it, i ran out and when to a deserted place, i called CZH, i told him those tears i can't really control, it just kept flowing down and my heart is crying out in pain, even my lung was hurting, god i swear this time i really cried out everything, those i kept for years, all those were used up. I start pouring out everything, eventually, he also cannot take it and passed to his mother. His mother was one hell of a counsellor, i totally can't talk back. She told me a lot, to brave through it...blah blah(the other content is confidential).

After hanging up with her, my tears are still running down and here came my killer move, i decided to tell my mother, she's the only one i can go to. I started with this sentence "Ma, Valerie and me don't have already". After that sentence, the only thing i did was CRY! She told me about a lot of things, i listen and told her that it was damn bloody hard, if there were something like "忘情水", I'll be the first one to glup down 10 bottles at that time. She too told me to let go and i was still young, can find those fierce fierce one, even more fierce than her. I told her i was tired, beaten up and down. I don't want to do anything other than put myself back in shape. She said something back and all the other contents was confidential.

After being at that place, it seems like i'm drowning myself in a superficial, temporary indulgence place. Everything slow down at there, time never seem to pass at there. It was just drink drank and drunk. Alright, i didn't get drunk. I hate drinking but now i'm doing it. Just to numb myself.

Stupidly, i think i'm using her to forget you but i know it's just for playing, i'm neither hurting anyone in the process nor i'm hurting myself. All i know was i need peace at my heart and mind, i need to divert my attention to someone which i don't have to commit and do anything. It was just a gain of sympathy from her that i need. I know it wouldn't last but i really don't have a lot of choice. I know those places are hurting to my soul and my pocket but i just need it to throw away what i'm thinking for that moment and just recover bit by bit, using someone as bait.

IT'S NOT GEYLANG:)

I told my mother that too, she was like scolding me but in the end, she told me take time off, cool down, you may go there but seriously don't go there so often. She's a understanding woman, I shall put my time and effort to improve myself for her. She's the only motivation i have in my life now.

Haha, what a weakling right. I always act strong infront of you guys, i always was the HARD one. What the hell right? This is the side you all will never see, unless you are the closest to me. I can never tell anyone about it face to face. I'm just not that brave, i'm losing myself. Hopefully, i can become the cold and silent me again.

2009-02-07T12:44:00.000-08:00

It's going to be 5 in the morning and i ain't catching any sleep. As lonely as it may seems, my mind is filled with thoughts of you. How to forget something you don't want to forget. You told me to let go of it, i told you i can't, it's just too hard and unbearable for me. I decided i will put this down for this moment, you will be free and i won't disturb you. This is the last thing i can do for you. Thanks for helping me to put you down btw. This is my decision, i will put you down for the moment, i will improve myself within this time, upgrading everything i can. Showing you a better me, a me worthy of you and this time, i will pick you up and stick you on my heart and never let go again.

This is my plan for the years to come. I anticipate hard time and heavy pressure for the future, i won't bow down to it and it's all because of you.

Last but not least, i would like to thank you sincerely because you're the one who made me into what i am now, a better, more understanding and braver me. I love you dear, i love you just like 3 years ago, never decrease and never will.Whenever, sad and depressing time will never last long. Laughter always linger around us when we are together....

2009-01-31T03:56:00.000-08:00

I thought everyone had forgotten about my blog but there are still some people doing some blog searching and found that my blog had reopen. Why am i so lousy? why? why i can't like put down and keep low. I am really trying dear, really trying. I don't wanna hold you, really. Putting down is my ultimate intention but your memory, your voice, face and everything kept appearing in my head, without doubt my mind is totally occupied by you.

You scolded me, joline scolded me too and i know a lot of people are cursing me right now. I know i must stop at all cost but i just can't i really don't know why. Please let everything end soon, please.

Everything is going very slow for me, i no longer have no mood to do anything. I guess i need to be alone for this period of them. Finding something that interest me and hope for the best next time. I'm going to put my time and effort in my family already. Those are the people that are important to me. I vow to you god, i swear with my life, after tomorrow. I will hug her, smell her and pass/wear for her the thing i bought for her, this will be the very last time and that's it. She's a great girl, the problem lies with me i'm sure, i'm the one to blame.....

2009-01-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

I'm going to malaysia already but i really don't feel like going. It just make me feel more uncomfortable but my family going so must i. I must not dampen their mood so there i go.

I really feel like talking to you but i can't, you just don't give me the chance, i promise myself to not call her after i return, let see this time i can a not, i hope she really going good now. I miss her man, really, i think i'm really going to suffer without her but what can i do, i really tried whatever i can already but there she goes.

Valerie, please don't go. I really need you by my side, everytime i think about you, those beautiful memories come back and really pull me back to the feeling i had for you. You are my life, my soul, i don't think i can do anything without you but i don't really have a choice now other than keep my mouth and heart shut and escape to wherever i can go, find a hole and hide myself there. I never wanna leave you, never.....

2009-01-19T10:46:00.001-08:00

I'm back on updating my blog, guess no one really cares or knows about it but i don't give a damn. I really need to tell someone my pain within and i really am at the verge of breaking down. I simply can't live without her man. It's like liking without my soul in this body, it looks and may seem like I'm exaggerating but truthfully I'm not. I've tried using lots of method, like keeping myself busy, ignore her, hate her, find another girl(nope this one i don't think i can do it), keep myself contended with my family and divert my attention to another thing. All this led me to nowhere, i'm still stuck here with her in my mind every second, i admit i never want to leave her. This action may seem cowardly to some guys(ah yer, why can't let go. Not even like a man, can take up surely can put down), what they didn't know it that i really devote myself into this relationship, sweating building it up and stabilizing it. I never thought a girl i can accompany and go with so well and like customize my life to suit hers. I don't feel obilgaled to do it, it's more like a willing thing to do you know.

Sometimes, when you thought you will go with this person your whole life is really a very silly thing to do. The future is filled with uncertainty and sometimes, things may change so drastically that you can't even do anything about it. Why must i face this? Mine is like a happy breakup, feelings not fade away but something occurred and she want to led her life by herself. What can i said? what can i do? Respecting her decision is the only thing i can do to make her happy, I really want to get her by my side and tell her, or even beg her to stay by me and don't go away but my heart is just to soft to said that to her. Lingering by her side won't do any better.

Some people let go of their relationship faster and easier because they met with betrayer, lies, truth and problems. I don't think we have any big problems(other than the educational problem). Now whenever i have time and doing nothing, she goes into my mind, every second, every minute, every hr, everyday without fail. I will dazz and look at her picture, wondering if she's doing good or even worst, imagining i'm with her doing something like shopping, eating or playing.

Valerie Loy, I love you so so much man. I don't know how to forget you, put down on you or even ignore you. Tell me what to do man. I really want to talk to you on the phone, just listening to your voice will do but you don't allow me. What i have got to do to make this just end......